deep thoughts

january blues

i sat down to move all my photos from camera to computer and maybe even download some christmas gopro footage. i was holding the baby with the nursing pillow strapped around my middle (my brest friend, there, i said it). i turned around for whatever reason and knocked over my very full coffee… all over the desk, the key board, the camera, the gopro. it looked like a complete electronics massacre, but i don’t think anything was permanently damaged.

true story.

there is just no time to keep up with life on this blog. i know i don’t have to, but a part of me really wants to! it shouldn’t be impossible, in theory, but it is.

7 months already. sigh.

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any who, i’ve been feeling a little down… some post-holiday blues i guess and physically run down from the christmas hustle. i’m having trouble taking care of myself (that’s a gentle way of saying i’m fat & sloppy). again, “no time”. the kids are doing well so i could/should be proud of that. we have a lot of laughs when everyone is in a good mood (read: a certain 3.75 year-old has taken his much-needed daily nap) but weeknights and mornings are still a struggle (“struggle” used in that middle-class, privileged, American context, of course).

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i want everything OUT of my house. baby stuff, OUT. unworn clothes, OUT. extra throw pillows that i normally hoard, OUT(ish). christmas decorations are all packed or disposed of… living simply may not necessarily be in the cards, but i am craving a simpler life with less clutter for sure.

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today is FREEZING. so maybe the reality of winter is weighing on my mood lately as well.

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i hate winter.

wah wah,

stephanie

lifehacks

does this mamma-baby selfie capture how utterly exhausted i am? IMG_0944

to all the other moms who have done this… the working full-time, the nursing, the pumping, the endless washing of bottles and parts, the three-year-old, the sweet, cuddly baby, the neglected first born (bull dog), the dinners that don’t self-cook and house that won’t clean its self (to name a few) all with a very unreliable sleep pattern. PROPS. this is freakin’ hard.

i’ve been doing some soul-searching and researching how to make this work. i still have a ways to go, but a couple things that have helped:

peapod.

i’m an amazon prime junkie and i generally hate paying a delivery charge of any nature, but these days, saving the trip to the grocery store is well worth $6.95. i will definitely do it again.

i also went ahead and spent nearly $1,000 fall shoe shopping on zappos! don’t worry, the boots i kept were only $150… i ordered 4 pairs to try. free shipping and free returns. zero time in a store. boom.

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side note: thank you, boot people, for the “wide-calf” (or my favorite “wide shaft”) option for tall boots. i never use to be able to wear these and now there is a whole slew of options.

this was my cart:

boots

1. Rockport Tristina Gore $225  runner-up. super comfortable. can tell they are great quality. just didn’t love enough for the price 2. Sam Edelman Penny $150  winner. liked better in person. perfect width. comfortable enough 3. Rockport First Street $249.95 fit well. has large, darker colored stretchy piece in back that i didn’t love the look of. but really like the lighter camel color. 4. Johnston & Murphy Bree $348 I love these boots but they didn’t fit 🙁 i knew it was a long shot since they are not in my beloved “wide calf” category. somewhat relieved given the price-tag.

so i feel like i have fully mastered online shopping. i may never enter a store again. does anyone have any other hacks for me? my sister has been freezing a whole week’s worth of crock pot dinners on sundays.  i read about a mom who dresses her kids for the next day before bed. no jammies. (crazy or genius?)

i feel like the key to the week is sunday. you have to PREPARE. going into the work week is like going into battle when you have multiple kids. my problem is we’ve been away almost every weekend and then on sunday its impossible to stay motivated because, football. and because, pumpkin beer.

this weekend, my little guy was really sick… three straight days of a 103 degree fever. needless to say, the weekend was not as productive as it might have been and i am SO short on sleep. send me your working mom hacks… i’m all ears.

i’m so pregnant

i wrote this in early may and never finished it. likely because i was going to bed at 8 every night or maybe because i was waiting to add the perfect picture of me and my adorable pregnant belly (ha, non-existent). well – spoiler alert: i am currently holding the most perfect 2 month old baby girl and typing with one hand in effort to post something/anything because its been sooo long! balya logan was born one FULL WEEK late on june 3 weighing 7lbs 14oz.

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for posterity’s sake – here is my silly 37 week self thinking baby bay would come on time or… pah… early…

i feel like i’ve been pregnant forever, but at the same time, i sort of can’t believe my second (and last) pregnancy will be coming to an end any day now. i have no doubt that the birth of these babies (meaning dane and this feisty baby girl jabbing me as we speak) will be the best two moments of my life, so while pregnancy isn’t my favorite thing (especially the 37wk+ kind of pregnancy), i will still miss it in a weird way.

i think fridays are awesome. even though i have to go to work, i have the whole weekend to look forward to… by saturday, its almost like the weekend is already over, and sunday.. forget it.. full-blown monday-dread (you too? no? should i be looking for a new job?). well, these final hours of pregnancy are sort of like a friday. i’m extremely uncomfortable, but giddy with anticipation. once the baby is born, i know i will blink and my maternity leave will be over, then i will blink again and it will be her 3rd birthday party, a few blinks later she’ll be a teenager and hate me… but for a few short weeks (or days?!) all of the chubby, drooly, sleepy, swaddled baby-ness is ahead of me.

i never held vegetables up to my belly or documented either pregnancy much at all and i don’t regret it. i’m not really into that, but i just wanted to write this so i could some day revisit myself in this unique time. a mother of one perfect little boy awaiting the big unknown of who is tumbling around in my belly and what life will be like with two little humans to love a disgusting amount.

i’m so happy and lucky and grateful to be having a baby in few weeks. i never want to forget how much i wanted this baby (GIRL!) and how good life feels even tho i’m the size of a house with the worst acid reflux imaginable and the inability to sleep despite extreme, perpetual, exhaustion. i’m so much more excited this time around because i know just how much you can love another human and to be given the chance to love 2 just seems like more than i deserve. blah blah blah hormones blah blah.

oh pregnant stephanie.. aren’t you sweet.

well, almost three months later… here she is!!

IMG_5732she is so smiley and sweet and just so so pretty. strawberry blond hair, bright blue eyes and lashes for days. i swear, she is mine.

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it has been best-case-scenario with dane. no signs of jealousy and nothing but love from big brother. three has had its challenges, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes to the baby i couldn’t be more proud of how quickly dane has adjusted. the meet & greet in the hospital had us a little nervous… he wasn’t so sure. hardly acknowledged the baby, wouldn’t touch her and certainly would not give her a kiss.

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since she came home it has been nothing but kisses and man-handling!

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this has been the most amazing summer. i’m feeling very…. complete.

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we’ve had so much beach time between brewster & martha’s vineyard and so much family time thanks to my sister’s 5 month-old and her extended maternity leave. hopefully i will find some time to share more of our summer adventures here before its back-to-school time! but for now, my new little adventure is hungry…IMG_5789

i have this theory…

the theory is that if i could wake up at 5am every morning, it would drastically change my life. i have never (ever) been a morning person, but in this phase of life [30’s, motherhood] the morning is when motivation and creative energy are most available. day to day life requires i am up by 6 (6:15 if i acquiesce to wet hair and no make-up for the day.. which is the case maybe once/week). but i simply can’t convince myself to get up out of bed any earlier than is required.

after work is survival mode: feed family, bath child, play and read stories with a smile on my face, tactfully coax child into his bed. sometimes its a struggle to get through my routine of brushing and washing before the glorious collapse into bed. its not that i don’t enjoy these evening hours with dane, don’t get me wrong… after-all this is practically the only time we have together during the week (sad face). but after he is in bed, there is just nothing left in the tank.

between the hours of 5 and 6am though…… the possibilities are endless. i could clean, exercise, organize photos, blog, learn to use my computer, my camera, make a morning green juice and smoothies for the family, take shakespeare for a walk..  oh my god i could paint my nails. not all in the same hour, of course, but over the course of a week, all of this could be done.

but alas, the theory remains untested.

i have big plans for my third trimester. i am going to stay in shape, eat clean, get super organized at work and at home and maybe, just maybe i can figure out how to get my head off my pillow at 5am sharp. maybe.

the glass half full

the weekend we were in brewster discovering our flooded basement, the weather was really mild and beautiful and we stopped at our beach to play a while. just recently did i finally load all the pictures i took (beyond the wet basement rug) and realize that some are pretty awesome.
see, i was so focused on the doom and gloom that i didn’t take the time to remember the perfect afternoon and the smiles on my boys in their happy place under the glowing sun.
lesson learned.
from now on, this is what i will choose to remember about our weekends in brewster regardless of what part of the house is currently sucking our savings dry.

because I can’t come up with a non-cheesy way to say it: this is all that really matters.

any timer-cam attempt where we are all in the frame is considered a success in my book.

HAPPY 2015 FROM THE FATZ 4 (and counting)!

keeping on

hi. i’m back.. the past 1.5 months have been… challenging… wonderful… exhausting.
i go through phases. i think i’ve mentioned this before. some mornings i’ll drink a coffee and feel this overwhelming surge of creative energy where i have to paint something or clean up part of a room to take pictures or surf pinterest aimlessly. other times it all feels so… stupid. for lack of a better word, its sort of stupid to take photos of rooms in your house and put them on the internet when you have a million more important things to do. and even when i don’t, sometimes i just don’t feel it. when i’m super busy at work (lately) or stressed about time, money, schedules (lately as well) i can’t find the energy to chit chat about washi tape and glitter. at the same time, deep down, i love this stuff and wish i could keep the ball rolling here on my little interweb.

not to mention i lost my camera battery charger for a week or two again then found it over the weekend in a very obvious place. OY.

so here we go- here is how the basement tv area has shaped up so far. pardon the glare on the tv screen, its bad.



so the rug and the cool rocking chair are from amazon (affiliate links on my side bar shopping list  thingy >>>)

shakey still doesn’t love it down here. ok, he hates it and we basically have to carry him down the stairs. its going to be the coolest place to hang out this summer, so we need to figure out a way to change his mind.

these side tables are target gems.

rest assured, this floor is otherwise dane land. 

he’s had a lot of fun down here already! there is zero organization or order or plan for either, but we are more than ok with that.

same goes for my “super-chic bedroom” down here. for the unforeseeable future, it will remain the tiger’s lair and jungle gym.

days until i die

we all know life is fragile, each day is a gift, there is no telling what tomorrow will bring…..

but humor me…

suppose i live to 80. i am blessed with good health and live a full 80 years.

..so 50 years until i die (i’m rounding..), 365 days in a year, 52 weeks in a year, 2 weekend days in a week, 104 weekend days in a year, 5200 weekend days until i die… carry the one

please correct me if my math is off, but that’s about 14.24658 years until i die if i am only living for the weekend.

do you see my point?

today is thursday. we have tomorrow off and allison’s much anticipated wedding on saturday. i honestly can’t remember the last time i’ve wanted the weekend to be here more than when i came in and sat down in front of my computer this morning. i wanted the clock to fly forward and the weekend to be here. all week, i longed for the weekend. and this is not the exception lately. i’m afraid i’ve had this “live for the weekend” mentality to the extreme since dane was born. and it needs to stop. if i keep this up, my 50 precious years of life ahead are truncated to 14. life is way too short to wish the day, the hour, the minute away.

life is too short for a lot of things; being unhappy. worrying about money. holding grudges. hating yourself. getting mad about dumb stuff.

i know this is deep, but i am really realizing this in my old age. time is flying by at an unprecedented speed. the proof is in front of me every day with his long, crazy hair,  new words and opinions.

 
while, yes, weekends are preferred, there is a lot between monday and friday to be enjoyed. the simple task of getting everyone out the door in the morning on time is rewarding. i have a great job where i have genuine friends and share genuine laughs every day. then there is my very favorite part of each weekday when dane has had his dinner and bath, is in clean jammies, smelling like lavender lotion, pacifier in mouth and surrendered to bedtime… even though he is getting too big for this, i still hold him like a baby on the glider and kiss his face a million times until his eyelids get heavy and i deposit him in his crib. that alone makes each day worth looking forward to.
 
but for now, its the w e e k e n d ! let the shenanigans begin!


on dieting

whole foods

today marked the last day of a silly diet challenge i did via an online game called dietbet.

DietBet is a game where you’ve got 4 weeks to lose 4% of your starting weight. To begin, everyone puts money into the pot. After four weeks, whoever’s hit their 4% goal is a winner and splits the pot.

i joined a game hosted by fitfluential. it was a $25 buy-in and ended up being a $11,300 pot. sounds exhilarating, but you split the pot with everyone who reaches their goal – so if half the players lose their weight, i would make about $12. so it wasn’t about the money. i did it for motivation, accountability…

when i joined i was in the midst of a nice work-out kick. i was taking an hour almost every day during my lunch break and getting the best sweat i could in the gym (i am extremely fortunate to have a small gym in my office). i was on a roll with the motivation of our trip to st. maarten on the horizon.. mixing it up with running, lifting, and yoga. i was eating pretty much all gluten and dairy free. i had lost the baby weight and then some.

then dane’s birthday weekend happened and those 4 sleepless nights that followed. the combination of all the junk food in the house and my exhaustion was deadly. two nights last week i had left-over chocolate cake for dinner. i ate candy whenever i felt the impulse.  i didn’t work-out once. things were not looking good for the diet bet, but mostly, i just felt like total crap.

enter the blueprint juice cleanse… i knew i needed to take desperate measures, so i tried a 3-day juice cleanse that was recommended by my little work buddy, david (who tried it himself a month or so ago).
there are 3 different programs, each with 6 juices to drink over the course of the day. the juices are about $10/bottle. its expensive. but there is seriously good stuff in these bottles and they are very drinkable. 3 days i didn’t eat a thing and it honestly was n o t hard. to ease the financial burden, i improvised a little and bought the bottles at whole foods instead of ordering them online. i bought enough green and red drinks for the 3 days. i made my own lemon drink – you don’t need to pay $10 for a drink with lemon, cayenne, and agave – but it is somewhat reasonable for a bottle with kale, apple, ginger, romaine, spinach, cucumber, celery, parsley and lemon (the green)… the white cashew drink is also somewhat painless to make on your own. check out this blog which breaks down recipes to all of these drinks.

i lost an easy 4 or 5 pounds and felt good – skinny even – after i finished.

this morning i got on the scale and was 3/4 of a pound away from making my dietbet goal. so i didn’t eat or drink for the following 3 hours (real healthy, right?)

when i got on the scale again, i had just barely made it! (and had my coworker take a couple embarrassing pictures of me on the scale to submit to the game).

can you tell how thirsty i am in this picture?

i am such a creature of habit. i have a very addictive personality and am not good with the “all things in moderation” mantra.  i can’t have one piece of chocolate after lunch. it inevitably turns into 5 15. i need to have none. i know this about myself and the key to looking and feeling good for me is not ever eating junk. now that i’m ‘old’ i am more determined than ever to be the best and healthiest i can be. i want to be the strongest, run the fastest and look the best i ever have… because lets be honest, i’m getting grey hairs and bags under my eyes. i am fighting nature at this point.

i know i am being dramatic and ‘old’ is a very relative term. i just want to put this all in writing because i really mean it and i don’t want to succumb to any more chocolate binges or junk food filled ruts no matter how little sleep i’m getting. i want to be better! a better mom, wife, employee, sister, daughter, friend, athlete… person. and that starts with feeling good about myself.

on being busy

as i sit here typing, i feel sort of like i’m in the eye of a tornado – with all the things i am thinking, planning, doing, all swirling around me. i don’t know what to blog about tonight – i can’t focus on one thing.
i saw a word art thing somewhere that read “stop the glorification of busy” and it really made me think.

(here it is)

source

i am irrefutably busy. its not like i’m volunteering 3 nights/week, sitting on 4 boards of directors and fostering a pack of kittens or anything – but i am working full time while raising (along with an extremely helpful husband) an infant and a bulldog, taking on endless home projects (TIMES TWO), and trying to channel my creative energy with the occasional crafty undertaking. no house-cleaners, nannies, painters or food delivery services… i talk about being busy a lot because i am. i don’t complain or glorify ( i hope?! do i?). i don’t intend to anyway, because this is all by design. this is how i like it. i want to maximize this life. i don’t think i will look back on these years and wish i had more down-time. i love that we have so much going on.

so yes, i agree with this mantra in the sense that busy is not “better”, but i also don’t think busy is bad. i think you need to do you. if you feel like you need to slow down, simplify, then you should. i don’t want to.

with that said, i am currently feeling particularly scattered. i don’t know if its the big 1st birthday party we are planning for the end of the month, or the challenge of major renovations in brewster that we can only deal with a weekend at a time, or the roll of wallpaper that has been masking-taped to the wall for weeks (months?) now, or the pendants for the kitchen that have been on back-order and i really want installed before said birthday party..

in the end, i know it will be worth it. the results make it all worth it. the memories. the after pictures, if you will.

so i get the “simplify” campaign. its just that i like my life a bit complicated.

ramblings

well its wednesday night and i think i have just now recovered from the weekend. a whirlwind of a weekend with some highs and lows.

low:
sick baby

he was sent home from daycare wednesday with a fever. no big deal. low 100s, 101 at worst. teething probably? i stayed home with him thursday. it was nice. we were kicking it old school like my maternity leave days. i smothered him with love. 1000s of kisses on those big chubby cheeks. he was sweet. sleepy and cuddly, flush, rosy cheeks…

friday rolled around and we decided to keep him home from daycare (mike’s turn) even tho all signs pointed to normal. he was happy and playful all morning, but didnt finish his afternoon bottle (which is rare, let me tell you, have you seen this kid?) when i got home from work he felt really warm. 102.8. uh oh. so we scheduled a doc apt for sat. morning.

he got chest x-rays (a pretty traumatizing process) which revealed a minor infection in his lungs. pneumonia. mild, but that word just sounds so scary. he went on amoxicillin and, aside from still sounding a little wheezy, he has been temp free and back to normal.

high:
decking the halls

just the beginning, but definitely was feeling the holiday spirit. i made a few trips to michaels, bed bath & beyond, & the dollar store and got some basics. (the dining room has temporarily become the christmas war room).

we also got a tree. mike went on a solo mission & came home with a perfect tree for dane’s first christmas.

we put it in a big basket (pinterest inspiration)

maybe we’ll get around to decorating it before christmas???
so dane was feeling much better sunday, but i think all the coddling quickly created some bad habits. he SCREAMED like ive never heard him scream before when we tried to put him down sunday night. we had been lucky enough to never really resort to the “cry it out” method. but for the first time, it was our only option. i tried for over an hour to get him to relax in his crib, but the second i walked away he flailed and screamed. he eventually passed out, but had another screaming fit in the middle of the night. 
he made it thru the day at daycare monday. i (barely) made it thru the day at work. after work, this needed to happen-
and then another tough bedtime monday night. babies are so tough sometimes… but they learn. its sort of amazing what adaptable little creatures they are. last night he was perfect, and he was great again tonight.
i could not love these boys any more.
this one either.
also, do yourself a favor and do not ever buy these:

nothing else in life will matter and you will find yourself in a ball on the floor clutching the empty bag and cursing the heavens. i dont know, maybe that was just me.